There was this scene in the later seasons of Supernatural where Sam asked Dean if he was okay, and Dean went, “No. Sam, I am not okay, I am pretty far from okay. I just need a win. I just need a damn win.“
Goddamn what a hit in the gut.
These days I am increasingly relating to that. Wait, who am I kidding? I have been feeling that way for the past, say, nearly 2 years? Ever since I started graduate studies, my daily happiness meter is at the mercy of how my experiments went. A successful experiment is an instant hit of dopamine, I must say. Everyone says embarking on graduate studies is like running a marathon, and I say I am a darn fool for thinking I would be special, that I would be the exception. Oh well, reality sure hit hard and fast, huh. I can just hear the well-meaning advice from people going, “Oh, just take a break, don’t burn out!” Sir, please. Even when my body is at rest, my mind is on it. Do you not get it? My mind is in a graduate shaped prison. There is no way out other than finishing this marathon, except if I quit, of course. There is always that option.
Is it, though? I feel like Charlotte from Pride and Prejudice (2005) when she responded to Elizabeth’s questioning of her choice to marry Mr Collins.
I’m 27 years old. I’ve no money and no prospects.”
“And I’m frightened.”
Many of my peers have been in the workforce for a couple years by now. If I do not finish this graduate studies, I have nothing. No work experience, nothing to show for the past few years. Perhaps in countries where the economy, job market, or the gazes of peers are more forgiving, this would be alright. But not in Singapore. Or at least, not in Singapore where one does not hail from a family that can accord one the social privileges of not having to worry about livelihood, or not having to worry about being a functional and productive member of society. In my situation, the only way out is through. There is no turning back where I am at now.
8.22p.m.
Oh well, look at the time! I typed the above sometime after lunch, I suppose. I am in a lighter frame of mind now that it’s evening, or perhaps this is just me getting my dopamine hits after having spent hours doing work in the lab. No real results yet, but I will find out tomorrow. I realise that I tend to feel the worst in the afternoon. I don’t know…afternoons just feel lonely, you know? Maybe it is because of the untethered feeling I get as a graduate student pretending to be an adult, or as an adult pretending to be a student, I don’t know. Most of my peers are in the office doing Very Adult Things or having Adult Meetings, while here I am.
Of course, I am not stupid. I know their lives are hard, probably way more than mine. My friends in corporate jobs are always having to do overtime (and not getting paid for it! The nerve and the audacity of whoever decided it is okay to make employees OT without compensating them for it. Just because it is not against the law in Singapore to not pay overtime to white collar workers doesn’t mean it is something that should be socially acceptable, you know? Ugh. But back to what I was saying. I know my peers in corporate jobs are suffering way more than me. But it does not change the fact that I feel as though I am lagging behind in some life race. Or that I have somehow done something wrong.
I think at this point I just need to remind myself of the resolution that I made to myself in my first post.
“Savour the good, and at least live through the bad.”
Some days it is truly hard to remember, but I hope that my mood will pick up after this weekend. I am going on a staycation with my husband!! I am really looking forward to it, and have also been using that anticipation to try and put in more work this week. I wonder what I should use to motivate myself after this, but that is a worry for another day. Maybe a massage or another manicure? We shall see, but I shall do some thinking over this weekend. I suppose this is me savouring the good, and at least living through the bad.
On the other hand, I have been listening to so many YouTube videos in the wake of watching the documentary “Trust Me: The False Prophet.” I mainly listen to these videos while I am doing work at my bench, and I have listened to over 15 hours worth of videos at this point (I listened to over 7 hours just based on videos from the channel Cults to Consciousness, alone!) It is truly fascinating how they managed to interview the sister of Sam, the false prophet in the documentary, on top of his ex-“wife” and Dr Christine Marie, as well as others who used to be part of the wider community outside of his sect.
I feel like my perspective on so many things have changed after watching the documentary and listening to these videos. I mean, as someone in Singapore, it was hard to not view the FLDS with a healthy dose of “huh??” but I honestly have gained so much sympathy for the community after their current leader is arrested. Not that I think that their current leader is innocent, I just never knew that the community was struggling after their leader is sentenced to prison.
One of the videos in which the Youtube channel, Hidden True Crime, interviews Dr Christine Marie, she said something that really stuck with me.
“It doesn’t matter if somebody believes different from you, if you don’t like what they believe, they still deserve to have civil rights, they still deserve humanitarian support, and we should not use a person’s religion as a filter to determine or not if we should be kind to them.”
I am by no means a kind and generous person, but I like to think that I am someone who abide by principles.
Anyway. I am not sure where I am going with this, but it is now 9.04 p.m and I am tired. Hopefully tomorrow I have some happy results.
Bealie
Series of Ordinary Days 
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